THE 85254 — Issue No. 2

Meek97.98Kenny111.56Quigley104.10Griffey101.10Sab156.94Yoder140.98Max85.00Hunter122.78Kiss104.18Bax88.68Bebee160.29Dallas77.63

The front page

The even year opens at the bottom

Four titles, every one of them in an even year. This one starts 0-1 with the lowest score in the league.

Call Me To Learn More scored 77.63 on Sunday. Nobody else finished under eighty. The man who prints his own board and circles his guys in July opened the season with the worst week in Easy Money and drew Bebee to do it against.

It was not close and it was never going to be. Kyler Murray went for 27.14, which was the best individual number Heidt got all day and still left him eighty-two points short. The rest of the lineup turned in a combined 50.49. On a laminated board, in July, that is not what any of those names were circled for.

He sits twelfth on the board and the model gives him 22.1 percent. Week 1 is one week. It is also, for whatever it is worth, still an even year.

It's a fourteen-week season. I've got something for that ass.
Dallas Heidt, Call Me To Learn More

Power rankings

The board

1Who do you think you areYoder126.5power score
2Bust on your SleepersKenny117.9power score
3LanchHunter108.3power score
4Brown Bag SpecialSab107.1power score
5Half CuckedKiss107.1power score
6Run n shootQuigley103.0power score
7Make America Great AchaneBebee100.9power score
8Meek LethalMeek100.4power score
9Team griffithGriffey94.4power score
10Da BearsBax81.3power score
11Hot SallsaMax79.6power score
12Call me to learn moreDallas73.6power score

The splash

Kenny in a hospital bed with a speech bubble reading "I got something for that ass" — Kenny spent part of the week in a hospital bed. The trash talk was unaffected.

The main event

Run n shoot v Team griffith

Run n shoot wins

Run n shootQuigleybench 62.9104.10

Team griffithGriffeybench 21.7101.10

Run N Shoot 104.10, Team Griffith 101.10. Three points, and the eight guys nobody could identify in August did the work. Rashee Rice led Quigley with 17.44 and no starter cracked eighteen -- he won this by having no holes rather than by having a ceiling. Brock Purdy sat on his bench and scored 23.29, the biggest number either roster produced, which is to say Quigley left the best player in the game in his pocket and still walked. Griffey had Achane for 19.6 and, when it came down to three points, nothing behind him. He has already cited two statistics about one-score openers. Neither exists.

The close one

Decided by five or less

Run n shootQuigley104.10

Team griffithGriffey101.10

Decided by 3.0

Around the league

Four of them, by name

Bebee · Make America Great Achane

160.29. League high, first week, second sober season. Bebee got seven starters into double figures and the one who led him was Jadarian Price at 24.32, a name he would not have been awake for two years ago. Mark Andrews put up 18.18 behind him. The backfield everyone called thin in August produced the best number in the league. The board is going to have to take this seriously by about week three.

Sab · Brown Bag Special

156.94, second in the league, and the schedule handed it straight to Yoder's 140.98. The two biggest scores of the week were drawn against each other in week 1, which is the sort of thing that happens to everyone except the person it happens to. Joe Burrow went for 27.09 and Trey McBride added 17.18 that nobody wanted to talk about in August. Sab is 1-0 and took it the way he takes everything, which is damply.

Hunter · Lanch

The new guy beat Hot Sallsa 122.78 to 85.00 and spent the evening asking how the punishment vote works. Chris Olave went for 22.44 and Kenny Gainwell put up 20.51 from the bench, which means Lanch won by thirty-eight while leaving a sixth of what he scored on the sideline. A man who wanted to win would have noticed that. Hunter wanted to know whether last place is decided by record or by points.

Kenny · Bust on your Sleepers

111.56, a win over Meek, and second on the board behind Yoder. Bucky Irving led it with 21.12. Brandon Aubrey, taken in the eleventh round on a statistic Griffey invented at the table, is on the roster and did not decide anything. Kenny has nevertheless brought him up twice. The Aubrey watch is open and will run all season, because Kenny will not let it close.

Quick hits

The rest of it

Max
Patrick Mahomes scored 27.42 on Max's bench. Max started Omarion Hampton, who scored 15.92, and lost by 37.78. Four running backs in the first four rounds, and the quarterback was the problem.
Bax
Da Bears got 19.17 from Blake Corum, which was the best any of the six backs managed, and finished on 88.68. The committee of committees works exactly as advertised. Isaiah Likely scored 15.67 in a bench slot.
Yoder
First on the board at 126.5 after a 140.98 that beat nobody — Sab put up 156.94 across from him. Jahmyr Gibbs went for 30.46, the highest single score of the week. Yoder also has $10 of FAAB left, which is $11 less than anyone else, and cannot say where it went.
Meek
Meek Lethal's leading scorer was a kicker. Cameron Dicker, 21.33, more than anyone Meek drafted on purpose in the first ten rounds. Jake Ferguson, the eighth-round pick nobody has stopped asking about, quietly turned in 15.69.
Dallas
Twelfth on the board, 22.1 percent to make it, $30 of FAAB and the worst week in the league. The laminated board has not been produced for comment.
Kiss
The defending champion opened with 104.18 and a win over Bax. Jaylen Waddle led on 20.35 and Quentin Johnston sat behind him on 20.29, a margin of six hundredths. Kiss set that lineup eleven minutes after kickoff.

Scenes

Sunday, in order

9:54 AM
Kiss's lineup is not in. Kickoff is in six minutes.
10:11 AM
Kiss's lineup is in.
Kiss
1:47 PM
Max asks the group chat, in general, whether anyone else started Hampton over Mahomes. Nobody answers.
Max
2:32 PM
Griffey posts that teams losing a one-score opener miss the playoffs 71% of the time. He is 0-1.
Griffey
4:15 PM
The final Heidt score posts. The chat goes quiet in the way a room goes quiet.
Dallas
4:16 PM
Kenny: "I got something for that ass." He plays Heidt in week fourteen.
Kenny

The playoff picture

Top 6 Make it

7.17 wins on average over the last 6 seasons.

Over the last six seasons the average wins needed to reach the playoffs is 7.17. Eight wins essentially guarantees a spot. Seven is usually enough, though it often comes down to the tiebreak against everyone else on seven.

Seed	Team	Rec	Odds
1	Make America Great AchaneBebee	1-0	51.8%
2	Brown Bag SpecialSab	1-0	53.7%
3	LanchHunter	1-0	66.5%
4	Bust on your SleepersKenny	1-0	75.7%
5	Half CuckedKiss	1-0	64.5%
6	Run n shootQuigley	1-0	58.0%
Playoff cutline
7	Who do you think you areYoder	0-1	53.4%
8	Team griffithGriffey	0-1	38.7%
9	Meek LethalMeek	0-1	52.9%
10	Da BearsBax	0-1	28.1%
11	Hot SallsaMax	0-1	34.6%
12	Call me to learn moreDallas	0-1	22.1%

FAAB remaining

Who still has money

Team	Left
Hot SallsaMax	$92
LanchHunter	$87
Meek LethalMeek	$68
Make America Great AchaneBebee	$59
Bust on your SleepersKenny	$54
Half CuckedKiss	$43
Run n shootQuigley	$37
Call me to learn moreDallas	$30
Brown Bag SpecialSab	$24
Da BearsBax	$22
Team griffithGriffey	$21
Who do you think you areYoder	$10

Griffey made up stat tracker

Tight ends, and a kicker

The week's highest-scoring rostered tight ends, with Aubrey pinned at his true rank among them.

#	Player	Roster	Pts
1	Mark Andrews	Bebee	18.2
2	Trey McBride	Sab	17.2
3	Harold Fannin Jr.	Yoder	16.4
4	Jake Ferguson	Meek	15.7
5	Isaiah Likely	Bax	15.7
6	Brandon Aubreya kicker	Kenny	14.0

The number

27.4

Patrick Mahomes, on Max's bench. He outscored every player Max started, by eleven and a half.

The record book

Champions

Year	Champion
2016	Dallas Heidt
2017	Conrad
2018	Dallas Heidt
2019	Kyler Koppleman
2020	Dallas Heidt
2021	Josh Yoder
2022	Dallas Heidt
2023	Jason Quigley
2024	Josh Yoder
2025	Marcus Naymik

The even-year watch

2016, 2018, 2020, 2022. Four titles, four even years, never once an odd one. 2026 is even. It is also 0-1, twelfth on the board, and last in the league in points. The watch stays open.